Kimballisms

I work with Tom (gasbag) Kimball, who is probably the most demented person I’ve met. He’s also a lacto-ovo vegetarian, but he’s in fantastic shape. He routinely runs triathlons in the Northern Michigan and occasionally, Florida. Here is a list of workplace sayings that I’ve termed Kimballisms.

• Why scream silently when you can scream loudly?
• This monitor is suckin mule wanker.
• On how unhealthy corn products are – “Corn, the red man’s second revenge.”
• The way I see it, the human race will get what it deserves.
• We know we’re going to get screwed, it’s just a matter of how much lube we can use.
• Manager – “I’ve made a deal with another team for a new server.” Tom – “Does that deal include one of our co-workers and a ball-gag?”
• On copying data from one server to another – “Your just loading all the data into a shotgun and BANG, shooting the server in the face.”
• When Java fails, it pukes gloriously.
• On Ewoks defeating heavily armed storm troopers, “Give me a short-bus full of kids with blasters and they’ll STILL wipe out an entire contingent of Ewoks.”
• Everything but the curl of the tail and the squeal of the pig is in sausage.
• You only need 1 testicle, but 2 is better
• Unicorns are extinct because they were delicious.
• If you’re going to lop off your penis, do it all the way. Because half loped off is just like all the way loped off, just less convenient.
• After listening to an explanation of a challenge at work, “So this is like having a treble hook lodged in your penis and you’re trying to decide if you should pull it out, or push it through?”
• When you’re in a shit-storm, you don’t take time to look and see how much corn there is.
• If we lost a millimeter of PeePee every time we heard everything was going to be alright, we would all be dickless now.
• I sometimes still miss my ex-wife…. now if her children would die from swine flu…. (he’s not a fan of her kids)
• The reason that apes climb so good is because they taste so good. And, you know, you’re pretty much an ape that can’t climb.
• On discussing the durability of a replica light sabre, “You could sodomize a horse with that!”
• Just after something went from bad to worse, “You know, this has gone from smelling like a dead rat to smelling like a dead rat trapped in your walls.”
• Pigs love snake!
• If you can’t have crotch cheese in your gym cloths, where can you have it?
• Going head to head, Picard would be Kirk’s bitch.
• That’s “NO”, with an “F”!
• Don’t play to win, play to make other people lose. The winning will take care of itself.
• I think I just laid the asgard turd. It went all the way around the bowl and bit it’s own tail.
• The screams in my head drown out the voices…
• Given enough time, water will seperate itself from everything, including your corpse.
• If you give people hammers, you can’t expect them not to beat squirrels to death with them.
• Q: What’s more fun than ripping the limbs off a monkey? A: Teaching other monkeys how to do it.
• Sometimes a murder/suicide is a Happy ending.
• Once you’ve been raped by a Sasquatch, there is no recovery.
• Our department is the inflamed appendix of this organization.
• I love nothing more than to promise life, freedom, and happiness – right before I close the cell door, sealing them in darkness forever…
• Cerner: The Final Solution For All Your Healthcare Needs!
• When you put a shotgun in a monkey’s hands, you can’t predict the outcome.
• Monkeys are just as smart as marines, except they dont have to be told when to poop.
• On deciding between two closely competing vendors: “So what your saying is that two different salesmen just spooged in your mouth, and now you’re trying to decide which one has the best tasting spooge.”
• When you go to bed knowing that you are damned to hell forever, it is very easy to fall asleep. I no longer have to worry about salvation or the future. I already know what the future holds for me! I sleep like the damned!
• I just thought of a new spectator sport: Snake Wrangling With Monkeys! We might lose a few monkeys, but it’d be fun to watch.
• I’m all for you putting YOUR weener on the block.
• All the king’s horses and all the king’s men are having omelet for breakfast again.
• The cure for a dog: A bag, a bullet, and a bog.
• Weaving an elaborate diaper of lies to cover your hiney.