Kimballisms

I work with Tom (gasbag) Kimball, who is probably the most demented person I’ve met. He’s also a lacto-ovo vegetarian, but he’s in fantastic shape. He routinely runs triathlons in the Northern Michigan and occasionally, Florida. Here is a list of workplace sayings that I’ve termed Kimballisms.

  • Why scream silently when you can scream loudly?
  • This monitor is suckin mule wanker.
  • On how unhealthy corn products are – “Corn, the red man’s second revenge.”
  • The way I see it, the human race will get what it deserves.
  • We know we’re going to get screwed, it’s just a matter of how much lube we can use.
  • Manager – “I’ve made a deal with another team for a new server.” Tom – “Does that deal include one of our co-workers and a ball-gag?”
  • On copying data from one server to another – “Your just loading all the data into a shotgun and BANG, shooting the server in the face.”
  • When Java fails, it pukes gloriously.
  • On Ewoks defeating heavily armed storm troopers, “Give me a short-bus full of kids with blasters and they’ll STILL wipe out an entire contingent of Ewoks.”
  • Everything but the curl of the tail and the squeal of the pig is in sausage.
  • You only need 1 testicle, but 2 is better
  • Unicorns are extinct because they were delicious.
  • If you’re going to lop off your penis, do it all the way. Because half loped off is just like all the way loped off, just less convenient.
  • After listening to an explanation of a challenge at work, “So this is like having a treble hook lodged in your penis and you’re trying to decide if you should pull it out, or push it through?”
  • When you’re in a shit-storm, you don’t take time to look and see how much corn there is.
  • If we lost a millimeter of PeePee every time we heard everything was going to be alright, we would all be dickless now.
  • I sometimes still miss my ex-wife…. now if her children would die from swine flu…. (he’s not a fan of her kids)
  • The reason that apes climb so good is because they taste so good. And, you know, you’re pretty much an ape that can’t climb.
  • On discussing the durability of a replica light sabre, “You could sodomize a horse with that!”
  • Just after something went from bad to worse, “You know, this has gone from smelling like a dead rat to smelling like a dead rat trapped in your walls.”
  • Pigs love snake!
  • If you can’t have crotch cheese in your gym cloths, where can you have it?
  • Going head to head, Picard would be Kirk’s bitch.
  • That’s “NO”, with an “F”!
  • Don’t play to win, play to make other people lose. The winning will take care of itself.
  • I think I just laid the asgard turd. It went all the way around the bowl and bit it’s own tail.
  • The screams in my head drown out the voices…
  • Given enough time, water will seperate itself from everything, including your corpse.
  • If you give people hammers, you can’t expect them not to beat squirrels to death with them.
  • Q: What’s more fun than ripping the limbs off a monkey? A: Teaching other monkeys how to do it.
  • Sometimes a murder/suicide is a Happy ending.
  • Once you’ve been raped by a Sasquatch, there is no recovery.
  • Our department is the inflamed appendix of this organization.
  • I love nothing more than to promise life, freedom, and happiness – right before I close the cell door, sealing them in darkness forever…
  • Cerner: The Final Solution For All Your Healthcare Needs!
  • When you put a shotgun in a monkey’s hands, you can’t predict the outcome.
  • Monkeys are just as smart as marines, except they dont have to be told when to poop.
  • On deciding between two closely competing vendors: “So what your saying is that two different salesmen just spooged in your mouth, and now you’re trying to decide which one has the best tasting spooge.”
  • When you go to bed knowing that you are damned to hell forever, it is very easy to fall asleep. I no longer have to worry about salvation or the future. I already know what the future holds for me! I sleep like the damned!
  • I just thought of a new spectator sport: Snake Wrangling With Monkeys! We might lose a few monkeys, but it’d be fun to watch.
  • I’m all for you putting YOUR weener on the block.
  • All the king’s horses and all the king’s men are having omelet for breakfast again.
  • The cure for a dog: A bag, a bullet, and a bog.
  • Weaving an elaborate diaper of lies to cover your hiney.

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